Gotta bring it back

Have you ever just stopped and said, "Now what?"  "Now what?" about any part or all of your life, just "Now what?"  What comes next?  What's the next milestone?  Where is life going to take me now?  Life is going to take me somewhere...right?

In another time in my life, actually what seems like another life altogether, I wouldn't have even cared what was next...I would have just had my bags packed and ready.  But now in my new life there has to be plans and steps or something guiding me in someway...I just feel lost somedays, like I am wandering in a very brightly lit hallway with lots of doors but no signs to tell me where they go...almost like a hospital with no exit signs...I am just aimlessly walking the halls, afraid to open doors because I might walk in on another patient.  Nothing guiding me forward or showing me where I have been, just an empty hallway.  And I feel trapped by this.  I feel trapped because I feel like I HAVE to know where I am going and what my options are behind the doors. As if I need to be led, or scheduled.

Part of me yearns for the simpler more carefree days when it didn't matter what was ahead...nobody asking me what my plans were...I was just living.  I was free to be me, whoever that was.  Sometimes I don't feel like I even know that girl anymore...But I am sure she is here with me somewhere, hoping to be pulled to the forefront again...hoping for her chance at life again...I hate that I have forced that part of me to the shadows, to the dark corners of rooms left unopened in my head and heart for who knows how long.  Keyed in by this person I have become that HAS to know what lies ahead...Who do I think I am to lock up the living part of who I am?  The part of me that made me adventurous and carefree?  The part of me who formed me into me. 

I'm sick of it for her...I am taking charge of it...for her...and I am letting go of it all...for her.  I am ready to live the life I was put here to live and she is going to be here to live it with me. Welcome back to the world Breezy Dawn.

Have a GOODloe Day!